November 2, 2011

Well my week from hell is finally starting to get a little better. My mother is being mean to me again so I guess all is right with the world and the planets will continue to orbit. In other shocking news rain is wet! I don't know why anything surprises me anymore but it does. I just want my life to start already so I can be the one doing the surprising!

Getting better?

So today I went and had my sutures removed and it didn't change SQUAT!!! I still have this God forsaken lump in the front of my throat that is keeping me from talking AND swallowing. I could probably handle the lump in my throat if I could speak clearly. Of course the egg donor is using this as another reason why she doesn't have to deal with me. My question is when did she ever deal with me? Am I even worth being dealt with?

On the topic of my self-worth, I keep looking back at all of the people who have made me who I am and all the innocent victims that got caught in the middle. I have tried for years to blame my problems on my parents, my teachers, even my rapist but eventually I had to admit that while they set the road out in front of me it was my decision not to make my own way. The road to hell may be paved with good intentions but the road back is most certainly paved with depravity, abuse, and humiliation. The part of it all that I regret the most are the people who stood by me no matter what. Between Michelle, Heather, Amy, and Joe I have done enough damage to last 100 lifetimes.

I'm the what?????????

So again my mother is upset because my brother is threatening to move out because his parents have problems with his children. Evidently he told my mother that he would just go back to stealing to support himself, his girlfriend, and their children. This of course has thrown my mother into a tizzy and she is going to kill her husband if he dares to let her son go back to prison. Not real sure where that is coming from since this is the same woman who told me 6 years ago that she had raised her children, putting a roof over my head and the heads of my children was MY RESPONSIBILITY, she was too old for all the noise that comes with little kids, and that she had no room for us. She said I could always have sex for money to support the kids and myself Wonder what she would have said when I went to prison for solicitation????? The kicker of the whole conversation was that my brother dared to say that I was my mother's favorite. My question was favorite what? What exactly am I her favorite of? Favorite punching bag? Favorite scapegoat? Favorite life ruiner? Whatever he was smoking when he came up with that one should be checked for trace!!!

In other egg donor news, she has made it very clear to me that not only will she NOT be coming to see me graduate but she also has no interest other than sending a card and a gift when the children should graduate, get married, receive Holy Orders..............I swear she is a cross between a cat and a T-Rex and either way I'm screwed. I know that after this many years nothing should surprise me but it does. I really should learn to bear my crosses in silence and perfect submission.

The Age of Unity

I remember in history class that we learned about a speech given on August 28, 1963 on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial in Washington D.C.. In this speech a man by the name of Martin Luther King Jr. said that he wanted people of all colors, creeds, nationalities, and religions to be able to live together in peace and harmony. He wanted to help create a world where people saw right through the color of ones skin and accepted each other as equals. He didn't care about what had happened in the past and he prayed for the future. He died for that speech.

I have heard him invoked alot lately but I really don't think he would like it. I have heard him invoked by a president who made an inauguration about race when the election that led to it supposedly was not about race. I have heard several prominent people that were supposed to be carrying on Dr. King's legacy sounding more like David Duke. Sure they preached unity but it was only for those who's skin was darker then notebook paper. They took wounds that had started to heal after 45 years and slashed them open again. And as the blood poured from those wounds they still blamed everyone but themselves. It was still the whites who were not doing right.

Have we really become a country where it is no longer safe or fashionable to be caucasian? When did the Chiefs of the Gimmie-Gimmie tribe get more rights then people who bust their asses for a living? Instead of the strong and proud nation we were in the 40's and 50's we are now a nation of handouts, bailouts, and dropouts. We are not working towards unity. We are working towards the destruction of the middle and upper classes. What we will be left with is a society where the workers that have kept this country strong will be replaced by welfare queens and racist idiots who don't have a solid relationship with the English language. The only way to get ahead in the age of unity will be to sit on your ass and do nothing and use enough bronzer to hope you can pass. If this is the age of unity I am scared as hell and don't want to live in it!

The "New" America

I have been sitting back and watching the "New" America evolve and truth be told it scares the hell out of me. In just 4 very short days I have seen this country become less secure, terrorists set free, millions of unborn children sent to the slaughterhouse, and seen the conservative ideals we hold so dear washed away. We no longer have any say in the governing of this country because groups like ACORN decided the most prudent route to get their way was to buy an election. I have seen change preached but the reality turned out to be nothing more then a remix of the Clinton administration. I have seen unity called for but only if you are a minority. I have been insulted by a Christian Minister during the benediction of the inauguration of the man who is supposed to be leading ALL of the people in this country just because of the color of my skin. I have seen the new president, who ran on a platform of bi-partisanship, tell the Republicans in congress that it doesn't matter if they like his ideas because "we" won. I know it has been a while since I took a civics class but is that really how checks and balances is supposed to work? I wonder what will become of the conservatives in this country in the next 4 years. Will we be hunted down and slaughtered like Witches in 17th century Massachusetts? Will there be anything left of us when the time comes that even the homeys on the street cannot fathom another 4 years of pure hell? Will our children and grandchildren really grow up thinking that having sex at 12 is OK because you can just murder your baby and move on to making your next victim? Will the Muslims and Mexican become the next carpetbaggers and pick the dead and decaying bones of what was once a country to be proud of? I would like the answers to all of these questions to be NO but I am afraid that I am just being naive. So I would like to thank you Mr. Obama for the destruction of what made this country great and the upcoming holocaust of the people who love it!

What are we going to tell our grandkids?

I have been thinking about this alot lately and I have come to the conclusion that we are in deep doo doo. All my life my great grandmother, my grandmother, my mother, and even my mil have told me stories about the "olden days". A loaf of bread was .05, a pack of cigarettes was .20, a gallon of gas was .15. At 33 I don't quite remember those times but I do remember when I started driving gas was .75 to maybe 1.00, a loaf of bread was like .60, a pack of cigarettes was 1.00, and a pound of hamburger was .89. I remember when I was a kid my parents bought their house for $50,000 and everyone called me a spoiled little rich bitch. My dad made $12.00 per hour and my mom was a waitress and made like $100.00 a day in tips and we lived very comfortably. My first job I made like $4.75 an hour and I thought I was rich (MW was like $3.25). I remember an expensive car payment was like $250.00 a month and you could get a really nice used car for $500.00. The part that worries me is what are we gonna tell our grandkids? And even worse then that what kind of legacy are we leaving for them? Are we actually gonna tell them that back in the good ole days we saw prices rise so much in 15 years that gas went from .75 to 4.75, a pound of hamburger went from .89 to 3.89, cigarettes went from 1.00 to 5.00. Are we going to have to tell them their used to be things like rice and flour that we used to eat? I guess the part that scares me the most is if these are the good ole days of the future what are our kids and grandkids going to be paying for this stuff. Are we going to send our kids to college so they can get degrees and get jobs and still be on food stamps? Are they going to buy $500,000 houses and live in the ghetto? Are they going to have to work until the day they die because they can't afford to retire? Where does this all end or does it? Have we screwed things up so bad that there is no coming back from this hell we have created? Are we all going to starve because the food we do produce is being made into fuel we can't afford to buy for cars we can't get credit to purchase? Are we going to start dying of things like the common cold because we can't afford to go to the doctor? Has our greed and excess ruined the world we are leaving behind? Is our legacy going to be the destruction of the human race?

My questions for men

I have been doing alot of thinking this weekend and I want to know if all men have brain damage or does something in the parenting not get through to them.

Since when are humans born with a remote control as part of their hand?

Since men sit and stand and women sit and sit doesn't that mean there is a better chance the next person is going to need the toilet seat down?

Who told men that their shirt was just a napkin that they conveniently carried around with them at all times?

When did causing a smell so horrible that you are left in a room by yourself become a badge of honor?

When did Tide team up with Whirlpool and decide that warm equals clean?

Have we gone to the dark ages and there really are only 2 television stations left in the world? And why are they ESPN and the NFL Network?

How do you walk around the house with only 1 sock on and not know where the other one went?

What is wrong with men's underwear that it only gets "broken in" once it has holes in it? Are they making it of burlap now?

Why is it OK that just because there is no one there to get your rebound that when you miss shooting your clothes at the hamper they should stay where they land?

When did ketchup become a vegetable?

Have your twigs and berries become so fragile that you must touch them to make sure they are still there every 5 minutes?

Why do bodily functions require reading material?

When did gas production become a sport requiring a score or grade?

Do men have any senses besides smell? I do and if something looks gross why would I want to smell it?

Where is the rule written that once you purchase a new video game that all other life must stop until you master this game?

How can you watch TV while sleeping? And how can you not be sleeping when you are snoring with your eyes closed?

Why is it that just because you do something stupid it must be "that time of the month"? When it comes to your stupidity would that be a month-long thing?

Why must you try and repair things that are beyond the scope of your expertise? Don't you know the repairman I am going to have to call after you mess it up is most likely going to be a man also?

These are the questions that have been floating around my mind this weekend. Now I am going to go take a Xanax and try to recover.

Friendship

I have been thinking alot lately about friends and this is what I came up with.My friends are my friends for a reason. Although sometimes I really do wonder what that reason is. I do know that none of them are alike. Some are young, some are older. Some are tall, some not so much. Some thin and some have more to love. Some are white, some are black, and some are purple with pink polka dots. Some are nice and some are just downright b*tches. Some make nice things for others, some make babies, and some just make do. Sometimes they make me laugh and sometimes I cry with them. They will tell me the truth no matter how much I would rather they lie. They are always there when I need them whether is to keep me from going over the edge or to give me that little nudge in the right direction. They are funny, crazy, silly, demented, stern, loving, and everything in between. With all of their differences there is a common thread amongst them all. They are all my friends and I love them just the way they are.

Is this REALLY America?

I know my address still says United States of America but when I walk out my front door, turn on my TV, or pick up a newspaper I am hard pressed to find a resemblance to the country I grew up in. I am not sure when it happened, why it happened, or even how it happened but this country has definitely changed. I am curious though how the land of opportunity became a nation with entitlement issues. When did the American dream of 2.3 kids, a house with a white picket fence, a dog, and a station wagon turn into "I am owed everything and I don't want to work for it"? When did living on welfare become a lifestyle choice? I have seen those 2.3 kids become the rudest, most over-indulged, bratty kids in the world. And the worst part about it is that the parents get angry if you dare to say anything about their precious little angels! I really do feel sorry for them though because all we teach them is how to pass a test. They can't speak, write, or think outside the little box that is their own ego. Are they ever going to contribute to our society? It really doesn't matter because we have forgotten how to be self reliant. We rely on foreign countries for our energy, clothes, toys, and even the cars we drive but we then begin to wonder why we have no jobs. Instead of growing our nation we have grown our waistlines, debt loads, and prison populations. Instead of wanting to do better then our parents are only concern is doing better then the neighbors. We believe in sharing the wealth but not the workload. We appreciate nothing and waste everything. We scream for freedom but spit on those that provide it. Instead of family dinners we have become a society of drive thru diners. Our children have no imagination but instead depend on the creativity of video game writers to color their worlds. We used to have toys like teddy bears, jacks, and jump ropes but now we are not happy if the toys doesn't "do something". Kids used to go outside and play and ride their bikes but they can't do that now because playing in your own front yard is no longer safe. We can't protect them because we care more about the rights of the criminals then we do about their victims. Everything in our lives has become disposable from our cameras to our diapers to our spouses and children. We strive towards apathy because the only things we really connect with are electronic devices. Why send a letter when you can just text? Why learn to speak properly when the computer you are sending IM's and emails from has spell check? We have become a plastic society. Our money is plastic. Our food is plastic. Even some of our body parts are plastic. When the future archeologists examine the ruins of our once great society they will ask what kind of disease caused the downfall of such a great civilization. Little will they know that it was no biological disease. It was far more sinister then that. The cause of our downfall will have been nothing other then ourselves and our ignorance and want. Those are 2 children that have flourished and have never been neglected. The only problem is that they are not just in our present. They rule our future right along with our new deity, the Almighty Dollar. I really hope that I will wake up soon and find that this has all been just a horrible dream.