Getting better?

So today I went and had my sutures removed and it didn't change SQUAT!!! I still have this God forsaken lump in the front of my throat that is keeping me from talking AND swallowing. I could probably handle the lump in my throat if I could speak clearly. Of course the egg donor is using this as another reason why she doesn't have to deal with me. My question is when did she ever deal with me? Am I even worth being dealt with?

On the topic of my self-worth, I keep looking back at all of the people who have made me who I am and all the innocent victims that got caught in the middle. I have tried for years to blame my problems on my parents, my teachers, even my rapist but eventually I had to admit that while they set the road out in front of me it was my decision not to make my own way. The road to hell may be paved with good intentions but the road back is most certainly paved with depravity, abuse, and humiliation. The part of it all that I regret the most are the people who stood by me no matter what. Between Michelle, Heather, Amy, and Joe I have done enough damage to last 100 lifetimes.

I'm the what?????????

So again my mother is upset because my brother is threatening to move out because his parents have problems with his children. Evidently he told my mother that he would just go back to stealing to support himself, his girlfriend, and their children. This of course has thrown my mother into a tizzy and she is going to kill her husband if he dares to let her son go back to prison. Not real sure where that is coming from since this is the same woman who told me 6 years ago that she had raised her children, putting a roof over my head and the heads of my children was MY RESPONSIBILITY, she was too old for all the noise that comes with little kids, and that she had no room for us. She said I could always have sex for money to support the kids and myself Wonder what she would have said when I went to prison for solicitation????? The kicker of the whole conversation was that my brother dared to say that I was my mother's favorite. My question was favorite what? What exactly am I her favorite of? Favorite punching bag? Favorite scapegoat? Favorite life ruiner? Whatever he was smoking when he came up with that one should be checked for trace!!!

In other egg donor news, she has made it very clear to me that not only will she NOT be coming to see me graduate but she also has no interest other than sending a card and a gift when the children should graduate, get married, receive Holy Orders..............I swear she is a cross between a cat and a T-Rex and either way I'm screwed. I know that after this many years nothing should surprise me but it does. I really should learn to bear my crosses in silence and perfect submission.